So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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