theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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