I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
