walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
