So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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