I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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