i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
