Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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