Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
