A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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