There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize