I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
