today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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