4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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