just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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