When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
