I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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