i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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