He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
should my penis look like a turkey
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
