It's like God shit irony all over that family
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
