I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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