please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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