in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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