when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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