I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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