we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
