I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
