Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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