I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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