Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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