You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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