I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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