If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize