just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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