The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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