if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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