I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
