theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
