oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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