I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
