So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
