you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
