I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
