I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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