Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
