No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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