Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
