Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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