I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
FUCK WHALES
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize