you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
