He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I lost the right to judge tonight
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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