Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
