i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize