my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
