So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
