I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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