Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
